SubDiary: Apabila Pisau Bertukar Tangan

Ok, you as a reader will be the judge. And of course this is from my perspective. i will write what i observed, know & felt honestly.
i had this friend "D" she felt that "L" was a floater ( the one who allign with everybody) then sometime talk bad or pull someone else to other side. His only reason is that he friend with all people..its ok but you dont friends with other people and talk behind them with others. "L" also will try to close with people who he just met and left his old friend on second place.He will stick with the side which support his argument although his point is wrong and avoid the side who give him any advice . I agree with D coz i felt and observe the same. We decide to let L do whatever he wanna do then when he realize he need us, he will come to us back sooner or later.btw We called him "Lalang"

1 day, L tried to avoid D when she asked something. Then other friends asked L, she found out that L try to keep something secret although its supposed to share with a lot of people. On that day, me and L supposed to looking for a house for us so that we can stay outside college next semester. Than, i called him, he said he was busy, so we postponed to look for the house in evening.

when we found out about the secret, me , D and some other people want to figure it out. The secret is actually a session that 1 of our lecturer made to help us get some better carry mark and can get some tips, advice or questioning anything b4 exam. Our Vice Academy affair also told me about this. but only some of them know about it & not spread it enough coz they want to make a class for them.

i stood infront of L and asked "What you guys doing?" He said they was studying. "I asked again, "Why study here? (outside the building)" Then he answered that they just want to study there. He asked me " Where do u want to go?" I said " I want to meet someone". duhh...he didnt said to me about the session even a bit although i can see more students from the class went into the lecturer room. i was like :O really? you want to keep it for yourself?

after that he admitted that he need to keep the secret but he also blammed the other group who ask him to joined. so with all the things happened, i felt hesitate to be his housemate. but i kept my choices opened because i need numbers to get a house and rent together. if not i must make plan B to rent alone or go with other people.

when semester break, i try looking for house but didnt get any which is available and cheaper. guess what L's achievement? he just found some telephone number but asked me to call it . i replied him late bcoz my hp was missing.i was ... why u dont call it yourself? just a call -_-" im not so suprised bcoz b4 this he always be like that to..coward to do something.a week before new semester will start, i messaged him to inform him about a house but he didnt replied anything. Then i know that im alone and decide to along by myself.

on the semester break also i decide to stay away from D because she stabbacked me in an online game. for me its not about the game, but the way she choose it. I said think wisely - want to stick with the people who u know or someone who u never see his face. she made a wrong move . and not just because of that, after that i read her blog. then i realize her perspective towards some people. b4 this i just be patient and let her negativity about other things and people. but then i decide some time to stay away from her and see what will happen.

tadaaa.. the new semester started. Guess what?? D and L become closer although i can see L still be the floater. Before this D always mad about her friend who backstabbed her. now, i think she just got the knife. When they met me in Surau they just ignored me. Then, when we was waiting for some class to start, L asked me " Where do u live now?" i let my other friend answered it. And they said im staying at my parents house/ hometown. (just like when i keep it secret from everyone b4 i revealed it to certain friends). i know that L already applied college hostel. so he will not have problem. moreover he got a friend who can give him some place to stay.

I DONT WANT to talk with L on his face about all these things because im affraid i will be emotional- will be mad or sad or both.. because he WAS my friend....... .
maybe i was wrong about everything but they never try to give better explaination and they also have admitted it in certain things and there are a lot of witnesses.
btw i do will forgive them if they ask and i apologize to them if i do wrong but we must change our behavior or anything to make a better (action) not just give a word. if not they will just be my kenalan (someone who i know) that i know can give a **** anytime ~

Subdiary: My Teenage Dream

I decide to write down this thing in simply way because i dont have much spirit after all other things that happen to me. Btw, its not follow the order which one i really want:

1. My own house.

I feel it should be easier. i dont need to collect coupon or hear they arguing about college rules towards each other and will not come to the office and appeal them with my sad face EVERy Sem in degree. I can cook, do my own thing in such a huge space & time- no need to rush go back home b4 12 or overnight doing assignment. Furthermore maybe itll help when i cant stand anymore looking someone behavior in my family house.its also a investment for my bachelor life. I hope i can find some house to rent.

2. Good result
of course... to give it to my parents. they never see me graduate with a good CGPA yet. at secondary school, im the one who sat between those last 2 row to get their graduate certificate. im totally down at that time although i looked though. my father said to me at that time: "its ok, you can do it better next time". b4 that i got his hug for the 1st time in my life coz he knew im totally down. so i target 3.65 and above every semester to maintain my CGPA.


3. More friends
i have many friends but maybe i dont have someone that close. i need some one who can share sad and fun moment,problems etc together. im also didnt have many male friends. it is not that i dont want to.. but from the secondary school, i have a good connection with girls bcoz they dont have many ego's & they willing to accept you. they also are the one who approach to me first in any circumstance and want to know me. in secondary school, its a total breakdown to me when some of my male friends misunderstood me as the one who ruined their relation with some other classmates although im the one who always try to make them happy and be friend with me. the backstabbed thing already solve but seems that im still outsider.

maybe im not a good friend although i already try all- to layback and let people come to me as friend and try harder to get friends. i can accept them whoever they are and forgive them if they have mistake. but will they accept me? thats why im always stay away from certain friends so i get time to do refelction what really happen.is it me-myself worth to them? so my target would be anyone who want to be my friends just approach me. we will do something crazy b4 graduate. we will hang out & celebrate anything together until we old and die ~

4. To be an entertainer
yes i love this field. i want to be a singer, actor, director and so many. but maybe i will focusing in writing and directing. i love to share with people stories, inspiring them with art & entertainment as a medium.i have so many ideas and talent to prove. so it will be my dream job. i need to take care of my family bcoz im the oldest son in my family. i know they hoping so much from me. it is sad to see my parents getting older & older but its time for me to repay them some appreciation.so i hope i have a chance to show my star.

5. to get out from my comfort zone
im always think that im a loser. i cant do this, i cant do that its because maybe i underestimate myself. when i try to step up, then other people around me are the one who will underestimated me. so its make me like dont have any courages. i dont have so many friends to support me. in sport, i try my best to do any sport although im used to be a fat guy, but the others including my sport teacher will look down on me.
its like im stuck to do anything that i want to try.

when im alone without anyone around like nobody will see me, i think im better to do anything. people will not judging, and im also no need support coz i know when there is no people around itll be all by myself. this thing goes same happen to driving car, try to go to audition & many more. btw guess who support me when im lagging far behind when running in field everytime in sport class? my female friends.
soi want to do something with it.i want to be good in sport. i want to try new things and challenge myself.

These 5 things i hope i can fulfill before my age turn to 25. this year ill be 22 yo. 3 more years will it happen or not?...my teenage dream............owh one more thing:


6. somebody to love.
family is other topic. this is about the one who will be my lover and always by my side. i will find someone later i dont want to rush, but if its my destiny, i will not let it go. i dont have specific characteristic- who ever can be my girlfriend, wife or soulmate but i hope she have a good / nice personality. if u want me to say like who i would say like Dato Siti Nurhaliza or Heliza Helmi. haha :P but its fate from Allah.

i dont care if she free hair or wearing "tudung" but if you become my wife u need to wear "tudung" bcoz its demand in my religion and as a good husband i must take care of her. i think i dont want any relation as a cliche normal new couple. if u want to know closer, lets know each other heart first "kenal hati budi" without any skin touched here & there- (usually normal people will do this touch, after break up theyll find another partner. i dont want 2nd hand :O unless not directly, already realize their mistake, or some circumstance).. after we become a pair of lover legally, we can make love everyday. B-) <3 my target to get marry is when im 25 years old to 30. but before that of course i need to find job, house and prepare myself.

p/s: sorry if my english is bad