I still standing here today,
Tomorrow who knows what happen,
Now i try to be the best.
Future, hope will brighter
Im just an ordinary person, still waiting for the extraordinary things.
Come take my hand, we'll walk through this together,,This was what i saw, i heard and i felt along this journey
Kali ni nak bercerita tentang satu perasaan ni yang aku tak tahu kenapa...
Kalau dulu aku ada pernah cakap, lepas selalu kena pergi "kursus" tiap-tiap malam sebelum ada 1 acara pemilihan tu . Lepas kembali kepada kehidupan pelajar yang normal & cliche, aku rasa macam KOSONG. Tak tahu dah nak buat apa-apa untuk mengisi malam dengan sesuatu yang memuaskan hati. Mungkin sebab dah biasa dengan sesuatu, apabila ditinggalkan ia akan menjadi sesuatu yang ganjil. Nak recover tu take time jugalah selama beberapa hari atau bulan.
Yang peliknya, aku ada join 1 kursus usahawan ni dekat Genting Highland. Lepas je balik dari kursus 3 hari tu, perkara yang sama terjadi. Padahal 3 hari je kot dan kurus tu sangatlah rileks je tak macam yang "kursus" malam tu...Nak kata aku terlalu fokus tak juga. Terlalu mendalami tak juga. Rileks je. Mungkin aku ni jenis yang apabila dah melekat pada sesuatu pasti akan bertahan lama pada sesuatu itu. Tengokla sekolah rendah, menengah dan universiti semua 5 tahun :O tapi study kt uni ni dah makin bosan pulak aku rasa. Mungkin sebab tak ada sesuatu yang baru atau menarik untuk boost kan semangat dalam diri aku sebab tu jadi macam ni
Kursus usahawan tu dapatla juga boost sebab tu aku join. Dah lama tak join kursus ni. Kena pulak tempat best. Makan pun ok. Pengisian yang tak padat atau banyak pressure. Jumpa ramai kenalan & kawan yang variety in good way. Usahawan & generate idea kreatif pulak memang aku minat. Ada juga cabaran emosi dan pemikiran apabila aku rasa hampir down dek the under-estimate thing instinct. Tetapi aku berjaya mengatasi :D Alhamdulillah aku tak terbawa-bawa. Dalam fikiran aku -its time to be more mature and new. Walaupun tak dapat berikan lebih lagi atau ubah banyak tapi ni dah dikira ok..
Perasaan ni biar ada dan pergi ikut masanya je lah kot. Mungkin sebab aku sentiasa mencari kehidupan yang keluar dari jalan biasa yang selalu pudar atau hitam.. tetapi biarlah masih lurus & benar .
Aku rasa sebab tu jugalah program realiti tv macam Survivor dia sediakan Psikiatri/Penasihat untuk peserta lepas habis game selama 39 hari tu ...
P/s: Masa kat genting tu pun aku jadi makin redah je sebab cuba banyak thrill game yang menggugat keimanan jantung macam roller-coaster dll. Dulu kalau cuba pon mesti cepat mual / nak muntah. :P kali ni entah kenapa aku nak cuba banyak dan berjaya tahan semua tu . aku rasa kena jerit macam orang gila atau enjoy gila-gila benda tu baru tak rasa kesan dia hahaha (tak ada kaitan dengan tajuk sebenar post ni) -_- k bye.
sem ni paling rileks awal-awal berbanding sem-sem lain degree ni. Mungkin sebab aku dah menjauhi beberapa bebanan serta mengambil masa untuk mencari ketenangan. Tapi walaupun cuba jauh, bebanan itu pula menyerang. Sepatutnya dah selesai. Nak buat macam mana, cabaran kan sesuatu yang cliche dalam hidup ni. Semalam ronda-ronda malam terkenang pula kat ibu ayah dan keluarga. Aku akan genap 22 tahun sebulan sahaja lagi. Aku rasa macam tidak cukup atau belum berhasil lagi pengorbanan atau kejayaan aku untuk mereka. Aku juga mahu merasa beberapa perkara sebelum umur menjangkau jauh. Sebelum ni aku dah beritahu secara umum apa yang aku impikan (dekat post Teenage Dream. Kali ini adalah target dan angan-angan aku sebelum mencecah 22 dan semasa 22.
Sebelum 22:
1. Nak turunkan berat badan jadi 65 ke bawah supaya BMI normal. Dulu pernah jadikan ni azam sebelum umur 20 tahun tapi naik balik sebab busy. Jadi, lagi 2 kg untuk turun dalam masa sebulan. Aku just nak hidup sihat, cergas dan nampak fresh.
2. Nak selesaikan segala masalah atau bebanan yang tak selesai supaya dapat ketenangan sepenuhnya walaupun sekejap. Aku akan tidak ambil peduli anasir2 negatif yang akan ada. Campak semua jauh-jauh..
Semasa 22:
1. sambut birthday? haha perlu ke? cukuplah baca surah yassin dan beribadah kepadaNYa. tapi kalau ada orang nak kongsi gembira momen bersejarah ni bersama apa salahnya :P sepanjang hidup aku tak pernah kena lagi kena baling tepung atau apa2 sebab maybe orang tak tau tak ambil peduli birthday aku. Nasib baiklah :P. sambutan birthday kecil-kecilan yang palingku ingat pada waktu kecil. Setiap kali birthday adik-beradikku ibu akan buat jamuan sikit dan ajak jiran sebelah rumah. Dekat asrama pun best juga sebab kita orang akan collect duit untuk beli kek setiap bulan yang ada kelahiran member-member kita orang. Hadiah yang aku pernah dapat pula hanya pada waktu kecil dan masa besar ni kebanyakan kad atau belanja. Kad yang special & mempunyai cerita sedih adalah dari ibu dan ayah. Ketika itu tingkatan 4, aku rasa mula down. Dapat je tau dapt kad terus buka dan ada lagu birthday apabila buka. Ibu dan ayah pula memberi harapan dan sokongan kepada ku :'(..~
2. Nak lagi ramai kawan dan kenalan. Terutama member-member lelaki yang aku kurang (reason,dah beritahu dalam post2 sebelum ni). nanti senang nak lepak, kongsi2 cerita/idea dan tak ada batas sangat. Mungkin aku tak berapa ramah tapi aku pandai juga berkomunikasi. kalau tak, aku tak kan boleh survive sampai tahap ni. I will always be myself like this and improve
3. Nak capai kejayaan banyak-banyak dalam akademik dan bidang yang diceburi. So aku kena pandai cari peluand dan lebih banyak step up lepas ni.
4. Nak ada perniagaan sendiri sebab aku suka berniaga. Boleh juga bantu tampung perbelanjaan aku nanti.
5. Nak ada hasil karya sama ada filem/ short-filem/ game-show sendiri yang dah lama aku plan. Selalu tertangguh atau tak dapat sokongan lain jadi aku mungkin akan buat sendiri. Tak pun cari networking lain...
6. Nak buat praktikal kerja dalam industri dengan jayanya :P
itu je la dulu kot... kang nak banyak2 tak tercapai pulak.. so apa pulak akan berlaku pada 16 Mei nanti..kita tak tahu apa yang berlaku dalam next chapter hidup kita ni. Ntah2 sekali ajal dah ketemu... tak kesampaian nak capai kejayaan untuk my family & kawan2 :/ ~
Ok, you as a reader will be the judge. And of course this is from my perspective. i will write what i observed, know & felt honestly. i had this friend "D" she felt that "L" was a floater ( the one who allign with everybody) then sometime talk bad or pull someone else to other side. His only reason is that he friend with all people..its ok but you dont friends with other people and talk behind them with others. "L" also will try to close with people who he just met and left his old friend on second place.He will stick with the side which support his argument although his point is wrong and avoid the side who give him any advice . I agree with D coz i felt and observe the same. We decide to let L do whatever he wanna do then when he realize he need us, he will come to us back sooner or later.btw We called him "Lalang"
1 day, L tried to avoid D when she asked something. Then other friends asked L, she found out that L try to keep something secret although its supposed to share with a lot of people. On that day, me and L supposed to looking for a house for us so that we can stay outside college next semester. Than, i called him, he said he was busy, so we postponed to look for the house in evening.
when we found out about the secret, me , D and some other people want to figure it out. The secret is actually a session that 1 of our lecturer made to help us get some better carry mark and can get some tips, advice or questioning anything b4 exam. Our Vice Academy affair also told me about this. but only some of them know about it & not spread it enough coz they want to make a class for them.
i stood infront of L and asked "What you guys doing?" He said they was studying. "I asked again, "Why study here? (outside the building)" Then he answered that they just want to study there. He asked me " Where do u want to go?" I said " I want to meet someone". duhh...he didnt said to me about the session even a bit although i can see more students from the class went into the lecturer room. i was like :O really? you want to keep it for yourself?
after that he admitted that he need to keep the secret but he also blammed the other group who ask him to joined. so with all the things happened, i felt hesitate to be his housemate. but i kept my choices opened because i need numbers to get a house and rent together. if not i must make plan B to rent alone or go with other people.
when semester break, i try looking for house but didnt get any which is available and cheaper. guess what L's achievement? he just found some telephone number but asked me to call it . i replied him late bcoz my hp was missing.i was ... why u dont call it yourself? just a call -_-" im not so suprised bcoz b4 this he always be like that to..coward to do something.a week before new semester will start, i messaged him to inform him about a house but he didnt replied anything. Then i know that im alone and decide to along by myself.
on the semester break also i decide to stay away from D because she stabbacked me in an online game. for me its not about the game, but the way she choose it. I said think wisely - want to stick with the people who u know or someone who u never see his face. she made a wrong move . and not just because of that, after that i read her blog. then i realize her perspective towards some people. b4 this i just be patient and let her negativity about other things and people. but then i decide some time to stay away from her and see what will happen.
tadaaa.. the new semester started. Guess what?? D and L become closer although i can see L still be the floater. Before this D always mad about her friend who backstabbed her. now, i think she just got the knife. When they met me in Surau they just ignored me. Then, when we was waiting for some class to start, L asked me " Where do u live now?" i let my other friend answered it. And they said im staying at my parents house/ hometown. (just like when i keep it secret from everyone b4 i revealed it to certain friends). i know that L already applied college hostel. so he will not have problem. moreover he got a friend who can give him some place to stay.
I DONT WANT to talk with L on his face about all these things because im affraid i will be emotional- will be mad or sad or both.. because he WAS my friend....... . maybe i was wrong about everything but they never try to give better explaination and they also have admitted it in certain things and there are a lot of witnesses. btw i do will forgive them if they ask and i apologize to them if i do wrong but we must change our behavior or anything to make a better (action) not just give a word. if not they will just be my kenalan (someone who i know) that i know can give a **** anytime ~
I decide to write down this thing in simply way because i dont have much spirit after all other things that happen to me. Btw, its not follow the order which one i really want:
1. My own house.
I feel it should be easier. i dont need to collect coupon or hear they arguing about college rules towards each other and will not come to the office and appeal them with my sad face EVERy Sem in degree. I can cook, do my own thing in such a huge space & time- no need to rush go back home b4 12 or overnight doing assignment. Furthermore maybe itll help when i cant stand anymore looking someone behavior in my family house.its also a investment for my bachelor life. I hope i can find some house to rent.
2. Good result of course... to give it to my parents. they never see me graduate with a good CGPA yet. at secondary school, im the one who sat between those last 2 row to get their graduate certificate. im totally down at that time although i looked though. my father said to me at that time: "its ok, you can do it better next time". b4 that i got his hug for the 1st time in my life coz he knew im totally down. so i target 3.65 and above every semester to maintain my CGPA.
3. More friends i have many friends but maybe i dont have someone that close. i need some one who can share sad and fun moment,problems etc together. im also didnt have many male friends. it is not that i dont want to.. but from the secondary school, i have a good connection with girls bcoz they dont have many ego's & they willing to accept you. they also are the one who approach to me first in any circumstance and want to know me. in secondary school, its a total breakdown to me when some of my male friends misunderstood me as the one who ruined their relation with some other classmates although im the one who always try to make them happy and be friend with me. the backstabbed thing already solve but seems that im still outsider.
maybe im not a good friend although i already try all- to layback and let people come to me as friend and try harder to get friends. i can accept them whoever they are and forgive them if they have mistake. but will they accept me? thats why im always stay away from certain friends so i get time to do refelction what really happen.is it me-myself worth to them? so my target would be anyone who want to be my friends just approach me. we will do something crazy b4 graduate. we will hang out & celebrate anything together until we old and die ~
4. To be an entertainer yes i love this field. i want to be a singer, actor, director and so many. but maybe i will focusing in writing and directing. i love to share with people stories, inspiring them with art & entertainment as a medium.i have so many ideas and talent to prove. so it will be my dream job. i need to take care of my family bcoz im the oldest son in my family. i know they hoping so much from me. it is sad to see my parents getting older & older but its time for me to repay them some appreciation.so i hope i have a chance to show my star.
5. to get out from my comfort zone im always think that im a loser. i cant do this, i cant do that its because maybe i underestimate myself. when i try to step up, then other people around me are the one who will underestimated me. so its make me like dont have any courages. i dont have so many friends to support me. in sport, i try my best to do any sport although im used to be a fat guy, but the others including my sport teacher will look down on me. its like im stuck to do anything that i want to try.
when im alone without anyone around like nobody will see me, i think im better to do anything. people will not judging, and im also no need support coz i know when there is no people around itll be all by myself. this thing goes same happen to driving car, try to go to audition & many more. btw guess who support me when im lagging far behind when running in field everytime in sport class? my female friends. soi want to do something with it.i want to be good in sport. i want to try new things and challenge myself.
These 5 things i hope i can fulfill before my age turn to 25. this year ill be 22 yo. 3 more years will it happen or not?...my teenage dream............owh one more thing:
6. somebody to love. family is other topic. this is about the one who will be my lover and always by my side. i will find someone later i dont want to rush, but if its my destiny, i will not let it go. i dont have specific characteristic- who ever can be my girlfriend, wife or soulmate but i hope she have a good / nice personality. if u want me to say like who i would say like Dato Siti Nurhaliza or Heliza Helmi. haha :P but its fate from Allah.
i dont care if she free hair or wearing "tudung" but if you become my wife u need to wear "tudung" bcoz its demand in my religion and as a good husband i must take care of her. i think i dont want any relation as a cliche normal new couple. if u want to know closer, lets know each other heart first "kenal hati budi" without any skin touched here & there- (usually normal people will do this touch, after break up theyll find another partner. i dont want 2nd hand :O unless not directly, already realize their mistake, or some circumstance).. after we become a pair of lover legally, we can make love everyday. B-) <3 my target to get marry is when im 25 years old to 30. but before that of course i need to find job, house and prepare myself.
Ok, untuk subjek directing pula. 1st kita orang kena pitching idea cerita. Memang ambil masa 3 minggu la Prof nak approve ikut citarasa dia. Kita orang penat (tapi seronokla) cari idea sampai overnite dan main "Pembaca Berita 3 kepala" untuk dapatkan idea. 3 kali aku pitching 2 cerita, dapat K.I.V je.
Nak dijadikan cerita. Disebabkan faktor apa ntah yang aku tak tahu ada segelintir senior perempuan sekelas ni pulak selisih faham (tak tahu sengaja ke tak sengaja) dengan kita orang terutama yang post STPM and lompat macam aku & kawan2 ni . Tu la cabaran pertama, tiba2 je tak kacau daun tak kacau kain, mereka mula menyerang kami.Kalau tak babitkan kita orang / salah faham kenapa akui dengan statement "terjolok sarang lebah". Lepas tu babitkan kawan-kawan rapat kita orang yang lain. Bila defend & suruh selesaikan, yang pencetusnya tak nak pulak berdepan. So, tak nak buang masa layan karenah budak2 high skool dia orang aku tak pedulikan & suruh kawan-kawan aku diam je just defend bila kena serang. Jadi sampai sekaranglah nampak jurang dia, walaupun kita orang ingat dah ok tapi rupanya ada api dalam sekam.
Sampaikan aku dapat KIV yang "je" ni pon nak jeles kenapa? Adoi sedih :'( aku tak pernah pon berlagak ngan kepandaian. Bila diaorang kutuk je aku defend at least aku ok in pointer. Aku bukannya BERISI sangat. Masih banyak kena belajar dan masih jauh perjalanan. kata aku hebat teori je. Hello tanpa teaori, praktikal yang betul2 perfect tak kan dapat ok . dua-dua kena seimbang. and thats why aku ambil subjek praktikal ni dol.
Back to the basic story, group directing aku yg ke-6. Seminggu selepas pergi shooting OGB baru giliran kita orang. Masa pre-production, biasalah banyak masalah yang akan timbul. Tapi lebih teruk bila Production MAnager (PM) kiat orang tak buat kerja. Terpaksalah aku sebagai Penolong Pengarah ni selesaikan dengan bantuan Pengarah dan Produser sendiri. Tugas aku yang betul buat skrip, story board & tolong pengarah. Masalah paling utama bila lokasi rumah tak dapat. Sampai sehari sebelum shooting pun tak confirm lagi . Habis satu Shah Alam & Sg. Buloh kita orang ronda. LAst2 kita orang setuju nak sewa dari seorang Datin ni. Rumah dia ni orang pernah guna dalam cerita Cinta Alyssa, Sofiyya dll.
Masa shooting, tugas aku jaga continuity cerita untuk nampak tak lari. Lakon layar kepada para pelakon pun aku kena buat. Tapi hampir kesemua pelakon baru 1st time berlakon jadi just adapt to it. Semua berjalan ok. Lokasi hospital yang di mock up dari fakulti perubatan UiTM pon bagi kerjasama yang baik. NAsib baik aku & pengarah dapat minta kat situ. Sampai rumah Datin je malam hari pertama tu beberapa babak kena delay sebab props penting tak siap lagi.
Hari kedua dan terakhir semua jalan lancar dan habis cepat. Cuma apa yang tak puas bila ada orang yang tak ada kaitan dengan jalan cerita tiba-tiba interup kononnya jadi lakon layar. Aku just serahkan je pada Pengarah dan duduk tepi sampai je habis shooting. Ada juga beberapa babak lain yang aku tak setuju tapi aku serahkan je keputusan kat Pengarah sebab ni idea cerita dan filem pendek dia. Kesannya babak yang paling tak puas hati ialah babak kat bilik tidur, nampak kosong dan kaku je..
Time editing pulak, aku just tengok dan bagi cadangan apa yang perlu ditambah / dibetulkan. Sorry to say orang yang sepatutnya pastikan filem ni siap dari mula pre-production sampai habis tak ambil berat sangat pasal ni tapi just benda lain. Jadi segala editing yang buat last minute pon aku serahkan keputusan kat pengarah jugak. Last-last dari flashback, tak ada flashback langsung. Sebab tu la shot akuarium dan ikan tu orang nampak tak ada motif.
Apa-apa pun aku bersyukur sebab dapat diberi pendedahan dan pembelajaran ni. Walaupun ni subjek elektif tapi dah jadi macam subjek major dah sebab apa-apa masalah yang bukan tugas aku mesti cari aku juga. Team work dari 4 orang tu jadi 3 sebenarnya. Tapi, its fun & challenging. Dan aku tak kan berhenti dari minat bidang perfileman dan seni ..
Ok, aku ni minat bab2 seni, hiburan & filem. course pon penulisan artistik. masa apply course dulu yang ada 2 option je. Penulisan & teater. No way aku pilih teater sebab nak low profile je dulu. Kalau ada course pengarahan dah tentu aku pilih. tapi nasib baikla sebab kalau tak aku tak dapat jumpa kawan2 sekelas aku yang hebat ni (penulisan). Jadi, time degree ni lah aku boleh ambil beberapa subjek pengarahan.
Sem 1 dulu aku ambil basic film production. Ha, Prof Madya A.Razak Mohaideen pensyarah dia. Masa tu dia belum jadi dekan fakulti lagi. Semester ni pulak ambil directing & single camera production (SCP).
Belajar SCP ni okla. aku dapat tahu cara2 nak handle kamera dan pencahayaan. Kalau dulu just tengok je kat tv dalam the making of.. ha kali ni dapat operate sendiri. Pensyarah dia pon ok dan tak banyak sangat tugasan tapi kena keluar shooting filem pendek relate dengan subjek directing. Aku dapat Group 2- tajuk "orang gaji baru" OGB. 1st time keluar shooting, excited ade..blur pon ade tapi kurang sebab dah sedia nak buat kerja. Sampai je kat lokasi, aku tolong sikit-sikit bahagian sound sebab kawan2 group SCP aku yang lain dah ambil lighting. Dapatla apply how to work camera sebab audio dia di sambung dengan camera kedua. Aku pun beberapa kali pegang boom mic sepanjang shooting. Tolong sikit2 bahagian lighting.
Nak dijadikan cabarannya, keesokan harinya aku patut ambil exam MUET.Adoi, tarikh jatuh time tu pulak. Shooting pulak sampai pukul 3-4 pagi. Memang tak tidur la jawabnya. JAwab exam pon tersengguk-sengguk. Lagi2 english memang nak concentrate cari jawapan & faham ayat pon tak boleh sebab membuatkan rasa lagi nak tidur walaupun aku tau aku boleh buat :'( JAdi kalau result MUET kali ni tak berapa OK . Terpaksala ambil kali kedua :'( Lepas tu, time sambung shooting memang rasa ngantuk lagi tapi tahan je. Nasib baiklah tak banyak kerja sebab masing-masing dah ada orang yang kendalikan. Sempatla curi masa tidur. Memang kena akui lepas tu tak banyak kerja dah buat selain tolong sikit-sikit dan angkat barang teknikal. Yela semua kerja macam tak perlu ramai orang. Bila interup je suruh jangan ramai orang. So duduk relaxlah revive balik ngantuk. Tapi seronoklah 1st shooting. Krew semuanya ok2 & baik. Pelakon pon sporting. Masalah pun tak nampak sangat dan semua berjalan lancar kecuali masa yang tak konsisten. Kalau nak tengok hasil kawan-kawan aku buat cerita ni, ni hah ...
