*beware of broken English
If I meet my ex-best friend. First thing i want to tell her is that finally God already granted one of my wishes..She know that I want that because I will be happy not feeling strange and like a loser keep missing someone that I can rely on.. but I didn't know that is only temporary again but in very short term, and it makes me down so hard right now.
Everyone want a good friend, best buddy or close friend especially in same gender who we can share stories, thought, plan and do things together. In my life, the word "Friend" has a major impact on me either good or bad. All come and go. Usually when they go they never get back to me :(. I know we have our own life and path but I do hope they will not forget about me. The most sad part is when the one who you shared story with each other is the one who join to back stabbed you and never stand or have your back when bad things happen to you.
I actually tried hard to get to know people well because a lot of them underestimated or not understand me. Maybe because of my physical appearance. So they see me as a weakling and cant fit for anything especially in sport. I also more into creativity stuff like music, movie & art different with other guy. Actually I wanted to join them but nobody like support me. I know I'm not that talkative too but I do make move first to know them but they just ignored or don't realized my existence. When people know me well I will start make jokes like nobody business and become "crazy". I want to share about my thought, future, sport, woman & world. I do listen to their stories.. will be a good listener.. A lot of the stories are so inspiring because I didn't get what they got that in my life.But they never see me like a friend...
Because of one relationship with me and my close friend during university also lead me to bad world after we ended talking to each other. That time I feel so useless and loser. Why I cant get well or fit with them? Then after that me and my other ex-best friend (the "her" in first paragraph) fall apart after that. Then I continued to get grip in my life and start to work. I didn't expect anything and I never think of try to get a new friend anymore. Its doing well for 2-3 months. But then this thing happen...
One day I got so emotionally and can't control my anger and sadness. Suddenly one guy came, the guy who I didn't really care about his existence. The only thing that is remarkable of him is because we studied like a same major course. He kept pushing me & asking me to share the problem and tell him. He said " two is better than one" and can less the burden by sharing. Then I started to thinking, who is this guy? Never in my life a guy really want to know other people problem. Usually guy will stick with their ego and ignore other people. I questioned again is he the one that I rely on ? Then he said the word- friend. I began to trust him.
Despite our differences, we actually have a lot things in common especially thought and interests. That's another reason we clique so well easily. I always cant wait to have a conversation with him because we can trade stories or share opinion especially about work, life & future. Both of us is smart but he is more rationalistic but I'm more drastic. His love story also very inspiring and im rooting for that because I sense it earlier. He didnt trust me enough to make me the first one to know and give him opinion. He actually didnt I also got some details about the girls he likes + Im good observant + I'm very well to know girls.
Because of the trade that we promise (if he tell about the girl, I must tell something to him too) I eventually tell about something that I hold after so long and few people knew. (im very emotional on that time because its such a huge burden to share and let it go) Luckily, he is very supportive. Thats why on that time I was like I can not ask more from him because he being such a good friend.
Things changed, few weeks after that I realized everything is not like usual. Before this he always being playful, like to tease me and usually will start asking hows my life to get any info from me but not after I shared my things. Or maybe after he already got what he wanted already. He is not doing that anymore. Our conversation also will be serious and no fun. Things we shared as a back up plan together also he keep forgot. With other people, he seems very same with before. I confront this like two or three times in different weeks because I dont like what I see. He said that its either he dont have time, sick, we over thinking or he wanted to show me that he was in sad moment but dont want to worry other people. I also realized that he actually holds and know every secret / stories about the others that we know together. Me and my other friend agreed that he is like that because he is journalism. He also once mentioned he need to get to know more stories to keep him busy and not to over think about his life. So with others he keep asked them about their stories and tease them but forgot about me. Maybe because my life story sucks compared to the others. I feel very thankful I didnt shared another half of my things... so actually I'm also the same with others just a usual friend..When we are not working together at the same place also I already feel that there will be a lot more challenges. I feel sad.. and will miss our moment together as a great dynamic duo.
Right now I dont know what to do because I stay in that place because Im waiting for him. Thats like one of the promises or plans that we figured it out early on before. I want to stick with my words..and friend. I dont know about him. Maybe he already have other target, plan or better life right now. But he didnt show that he can stand for me if anything happen because he usually will keep quite & people say its act of professionalism.But never defend me.. when I always support him if anything happen in chat or to decrease work pressure from him. For me, every time the others complain especially from his mouth I will go rage like few days after that to get whats the best for us.
So much words, plans & promises before I can foresee will not happen. We will not spend time together anymore, hangout, make movie together or open a cafe. For me it just a sweet talk to calm the situation back then..I think...
He said dont ever questioned about our friendship anymoreing happe and just shared if anything happen..
but when I asked his opinion when Im very down he didnt reply or make effort to calm me anymore.. I was ready to do dramatic act again but luckily it didnt happen when things sort of good cause of my own act. I feel sad nobody actually with me in this journey. I was left hanging alone...without answer till now.
Thats why im in confused and dilemma know. Is it because of me who always have bad things in my life or I will not ever get a friend..close friend... best friend.. who can understand me...and my situation..and have each other back...why the others so easily have good friend?
what should I do now? stay or walk away?
